Friday, August 04, 2006

Do you ever feel like you are white knuckling it?

Living your faith I mean. I KNOW so much of it in my head and my heart but I have trouble getting it out - I know that the Bible is the True and Living Word, I know that my God is the True and One God (I know I have readers of different faiths - but this is MY faith and what I believe).

But sometimes, on a day to day level I have a hard time LIVING that. I pretty much (lately anyway) listen to praise music in the car and at home, with a smattering of Def Leppard and Bon Jovi, that is. I have been confronted a couple times in the last few weeks with chances to testify and I find myself backing off from what I WANT to say. I am afraid to offend others. Or I'm afraid that I won't have the right words to get my point across - especially since I don't know the scriptures well AT ALL.

I know one fix is to JUST READ the Bible and absorb it - but it take me a while to absorb what scripture I learn at church on Sunday. I am STILL digesting the sermon form 2 weeks ago - it focused on Satan and how he tries to infiltrate us in little ways. And I SEE it now - especially in my anxiety about homeschooling - because Satan REALLY doesn't want me to raise my children knowing and loving God. So he keeps whispering little random thoughts in my head (are you nuts? You can't do this! See how hard that teaching style is? Just give up - send him to school - he'll be FINE) Meanwhile I KNOW with all my heart that my quirky sweet little man will NOT fare well in public school that he may very well get labeled or treated like there's something "wrong" with him.

I want to be a light - but sometimes I feel like a firefly flashing that light in the daytime - no-one sees it. Or at least only ones who do are the ones who LOOK for it.

And then my kids stop me in heartbeat. They ask me about God in the car, they sing praise music with me, my son tells me he would like to go to Church to hear God's word (on Wensday!). Tonight, I was cuddling in bed with my son - and he told me he was afraid of the dark - I pointed out he has a nightlight. And that it is a special nightlight.

They have a touchlamp in their room for a nightlight. My grandfather bought it for me about 10 years ago. I LOVE my grandfather. He was the most loving person I have ever met. I grew up Pop-Pop's girl. I miss him deeply now that he has gone Home.

When I got married my Grandfather was so happy for me - eventhough we had lost my grandmother only 10 days before my wedding. And he was SO happy when I told him I was expecting! My son was Pop-Pop's little buddy and my Pop always had candy in his pocket for my little man. By the time Thing 2 was born and walking Pop-pop would come over and visit 3 or 4 times a week (he only lived about a 10 minute drive from our home) the kids would run over to him and my DD would put her chubby little hand down in his inside pocket and find the Hershey kisses he always stashed there for them. (I am tearing up as I type this - I miss him SO MUCH).

I told my son about how Pop-pop bought me that night light and how he always had Kisses for him and that he was Pop-pop's little buddy. Thing 1 always smiles when I tell him this story - my grandfather passed on when they were 4 and 2 so they really don't remember him at all (WHICH BREAKS MY HEART - they were his greatest joy in his final years). Thing 1 can tell I am a little sad when I talk about my Pop. And I tell him how much Pop loved him and how he is in heaven watching over him so he doesn't need to be afraid of the dark.

And my darling son says to me - "Don't worry Mama I'll see him again when I go there!"
"Yes you will baby - and I bet he'll have Hershey Kisses in his pocket for you" And my darling boy got me laughing with this one.. " But Mama how will I eat them? Will I have a mouth in Heaven??" LOL!!!! He kills me.

God reminds me in little ways that He is there with me in the dark - just like I told Thing 1 that Pop-pop is there. He doesn't remember Pop - but he KNOWS with all certainty that Pop-pop loves him because I said so. And I guess that I need to remember the God loves ME because the Bible says so.

Thing 1 was not a perfect child (still isn't) but my Pop loved him with everything in him. My Pop loved each of us with all that was in him. So much so that he gave his life for my cousin (that is another long and painful post which may or may not ever get posted here). God loves me and my family even MORE than my Pop does ( I KNOW that my Pop sits with Jesus). That is hard to comprehend sometimes and humbling. But that is what I will work on keeping in my heart, even when my head and words get tangled - my God Loves me more than my Pop-pop ever did - and my Pop loves me a WHOLE LOT.

Gosh - I didn't even know that I was being taught a lesson until I typed it all out. Praise God.
But I still miss my Pop. I can't wait to see him again.

UPDATE!! After all that sadness - I cried thru most of the post - the kids call me upstairs to see their beds. Apparently Thing 1 got up and "made" both their beds complete with going and getting 2 pillowcases and using them FOR SLEEPING BAGS! LOL!!!!!! I guess I needed a giggle!


jessica said...

Thanks for sharing... I had tears in my eyes as I read.

And mine could probably sing the Ambien comercial too...

Sandy said...

Ok, I think I'm looking in a mirror. I really understand what you are saying. It's easy for me on the couch with the Bible in my hand, but then we are called to go out and spread the Good News. That's way harder. Keep knocking that devil over!

janjanmom said...

I love that story. your blog is not boring-I love it(except the AGT-but that is because I don't watch it, apparently your are able to stomach David Hasselhoff better than I!)

Thanks for sharing Pop-pop with us!

me said...

no matter what faith we are, we all have hard times. the key to those times when we doubt ourselves, or our beliefs is to just look at the small things. they are the reminders. don't be so hard on yourself, you do not have to live up to anyones expectations but your own.

that was a lovely story.

Heidi said...

Beautifully written, thanks for sharing. I'm not sure how I found you but I'm glad I did, I like reading you...left a comment down on your breastfeeding post too.

I feel that loss of words too every time that I would have the opportunity to witness. I often use the excuse that I'm just a "new" Christian and I don't know enough yet. We have VBS at our church this week so that will be a start to learning more of the TRUTH!

Your Pop-pop sounds like a wonderful man and I'm sure Jesus is enjoying his company!!